Somebody Call The Police
So, somebody decided to break into my house and steal from me today. I wish I could have caught him in the act. I most likely would have done 1 of 10 things.
1. Knock him out, dress him up in a Speedo, and drop him off in front of the nearest gay bar with a “For Free” sign attached.
2. Tie him up and force him to watch “Last Action Heros” seven times in a row with one of those “A Clockwork Orange” rigs set up for his eyes.
3. Waterboard him using urine I’ve produced after a dinner in which asparagus was served.
4. Bludgeon him to death with a piece of frozen meat. Perhaps a leg of lamb. Or forget the frozen part all together and go with a few links of sausage.
5. Force him to lick a 75-year-old man’s beard for 30 consecutive minutes… or for 40 non-consecutive minutes.
6. Force feed him an entire bag of pork rinds
7. Repeatedly cut his shins with my toe nails
8. Sign him up for an aerobics class and make him go
9. Let a chimp maul his testicles
10. Buy him a David Hasselhoff album.
